« Happy father’s day » they say

I know I am not the only one who has lost a dear family member or friend, and I am not pretending to be the only one to experience that horrible pain. But I am still feeling that pain, and knowing that I am not the only one does not prevent me from suffering.

I lost my father 19 years ago, and I never talk about it to anyone around me, ever, because untill today I am unable to pronounce his name without crying like a baby. Even 19 years later I cannot think about him without feeling like my heart was being broken and cushed over and over again. And I keep feeling like someday, a voice would raise while I’m crying and say « I’m right here baby I never left », and two strong arms would embrace me and remind me of the feeling of a warm fatherly-cuddle.

The truth is, I have never fully mourned him. I am kind of grief-stricken. They say there are about 7 (or whatever) stages of gief, and even though the titles may be different according to the writers, the idea is still the same. 

At first you have the shock and the denial: you avoid thinking or talking about it, because you can’t deal with the pain.

Then, you feel the pain and the guilt: all the pain of the lost kicks in, it’s almost excruciating and unberable. And you feel guilty: wether it is guilt because you’re still alive while the other is gone, or you think you did something to cause the death,or could have done something to prevent it; you just keep going over every single thing you did wrong to them while they were alive.At that point your life is just chaotic.

Then you experience the « anger and bargaining » stage: at that point, you’ve realized you cannot change the past, but you still don’t and cannot let it go like this, so you try to bring back the dead one by bargaining his/her life with whatever you can. I remember when I was younger, I used to pray and ask God to bring him back and in return I used to say all kind of things. Like I promised I would never sin again, or I would fast for as long as I needed to. But then I felt God was not listening, I thought maybe my promises were not  good enough, so I got angry, and I started  threatening Him saying « if you don’t bring him back I would start worshiping satan » and a lot of other crazy things. Then when I grew up, and in addition to getting mad at God, I starting accusing medical institutions of my country, family members, well, every one.

Then at stage 4 comes depression, loneliness and long lasting reflection.  At this point, you’ve realized and fully understood that that there is nothing to do about it and that your loved one is gone for ever, and with that realization comes a long lasting sadness that posesses your life. The pain takes over everything, just when people thought you were finally going to be okay. And at this stage, people’s love, affection and encouragements cannot help you. You feel emptiness in everything you do, and whatever you may try to do to fill the void, nothing works, so you prefer to isolate yourself from others. 

The fifth stage is called « the upward turn ».  By that time, you’ve kind of accepted the situation and you life slowly starts to adjusts itself around that new reality of yours.

Then comes the « reconstruction and working through ». You actually start rebuilding your life, you start thinking again! As your brain functions again, you really  start to recostruct yourself, by thinking of a future for once, and for once you can see a future without the one you’ve lost.

The seventh and last on is the « acceptance and hope ».  You now realize that what happened changed you forever, BUT you can now see a hopeful future, despite the pain that you still carry somewhere in your heart. You actually start making real plans for a long future. And you can now talk about the person, or look at his/her photos without bursting into tears all the time.

Well, one thing is for sure: I have not reached the last one! Actually to be honest, I’ve been stuck somewhere between stages one and four: on my good days I am at stage one, and during the worst ones I am at stage 2,3 and 4 at the same time! Yay