Jaded.Faded.

I am so tired of trying, I am just tired. I have had it. I am trying though, everyday is a struggle, every morning that I open my eyes I wonder if this is the day when I will wake up from that bad nightmare that my life is. You others don’t know what it is like to struggle with depression.

No nobody new died in my familly if you are wondering. I am just whacked of feeling empty, not worthy, abandonned, forgotten by God, Mother Nature or whatever you call IT.

I am trying though: I have watched every single video out there on youtube about mindfulness, self-love, learning to be still and all of it. I have started reading every articles and books on how to think positiv, the law of attraction and every self-empowering stuff out there. I am even listening to positiv mantras everyday, trying to meditate more often, trying to focus on the positiv in my life (which ne you ask?). I used to pray, and I still do. I believe in something bigger, and how many times have I not cried myself to sleep thinking my tears may reach God’s ear…

I am also tired of bothering people around me with my « stuff » because I know they must be tired of listening to my « problem » and « how hard it is » or « how much I need love and support » to cope. I understand that every human or every living soul is solely responsible for it’s own happiness. I get that as the adult that I have become (against my will », I need to get my shit together and make shit happen. ISn’t that what they say?

Trust me there is nothing I hate more than feeling like I am bothering anyone, which is probably one of the reasons why I have this blog. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone and I am not asking for any pity.

I am just tired of everything. If I could and knew how to, trust me I would have taken my sorry life out a long time ago to ease the Earth. But I am as stuck as you are here. And I just wanted to say how drained I was tonight.

I keep hoping someday I would wake up and someone would be like « gotcha! Jokes on you! You though it was real and got afraid for a minute han? ». But nay, every morning I wake up, and it’s just me in my room, alone, and worn out.

And I know people would be like « oh some us got real life problems here, people are dying, and you’re over here being sentimental and shit ».

I wish I was just being moody and stupid. Do you really think anyone enjoys being depressed? Maybe some sick twisted part of got so addicted to suffering that it actually enjoys some of it, but the conscious me is just tired of suffering and fighting this invisible enemy within myself. It’s like having an enemy inmate. It poisons you from the inside and the more you keep trying to get out of it’s web and the harder you get sucked in.

Sorry for the grammar mistakes, I really could not re-read this one because I am just legit broken-down.