Dear people pleaser, please, love yourself.

Well, where do I start… I got fired today. And honestly I can only say it on here because I know dam well nobody else but me is reading .

The story about how I got here is too long and complicated. But what you need to know is that I actually landed this job by chance. Of course I did apply myself, went to the interview and impressed and sold the hell out of myself to those « big people » so that they accept to « let me in » in this so called fantastic world that I have been dying do discover since ever.

And I did a great job selling myself out as I landed the job « of my life ». But truth is, I did not want to work right after my internship and graduation. I was actually planning on taking a soul trip to a small monastery with buddhist monks somewhere in the dephts of India or Tibet, where I was planning on hiding myself from life for I don’t know how long.

I started reading books about Buddhism, searching for  monasteries in Asia (browsed the entire internet days and nights). Never in my adult life have I ever been that serious about anything. But problem was…. I was a damn student with no money to pay for my trip and for my survival for months (because of course after Asia I was going to visit my sister, then my boyfriend and well do everything else, but work for at least a year).

Some people would say I was just being lazy, but I don’t have time to explain myself to those ones.

But you, some of you people out there, introverts (any INFJ around??), or just people who are still desperately looking for their life’s purpose, their dream job, or just a way to feel any kind of purpose in their life. Not to forget those who, above all this, also battle depression.

Those people know the struggle.  I have been fighting depression pretty much my whole conscious life if I am being honest. And I have to admit, I am grateful that I have always been what I call a « functioning depressed person ». Why? Because somehow, no matter how hard it was and still is, I still find somewhere in me the strengh to wake up everyday during my depressed phases and go out and fulfill my responsibilities. I was able to maintain a functioning life despite all of it. But I was feeling that my mask was coming off and that I needed to do something different before I lost it.

 

I have been feeling overwhelmed for a few years and I felt that only this long break could help me save me. But life puts a lot of responsibilities on some of us and I had no choice but to look for a job.

Uh. Pause. No. I did have another choice, which is the whole point of my article. The truth is, I only started  looking for job offers online to be able to tell people that I was looking, but deep down inside I was nearly praying not to find one, while I was looking…

Why? Because I am such a people pleaser, so afraid to disappoint my peers, so I was ready to force myself and risk loosing my mind and burn out just to make others proud. So I was looking. Then at some point I started picturing myself in a fancy life, working for one of those big firms we hear about worldwide.

We all have those two personalities within ourselves (at least some of us!) where a part of us wants the fame, the glory and the money, and the other one just wants peace, soul nurturing and calmness. Well, in the end the fancy one in me kind of won because I starded praying to actually land that one job I had my eye on.

In the end,I did get it, and enjoyed the first month. But then hated every single second of it for the rest 5 months. I also hated my own guts for not having the courage to say no to that torture and just walk away free.

So if you ask me it was not a failure, because this experience of going abroad on my own, starting a new life for myself, by myself, and doing everything that I did proved to me that I was capable of the greatest and that I was stronger that I thought, because none of it was easy. And most of all I never thought I was actually capable of doing it.

But now that I got fired, I am torn apart by two mental states: the ego in me is ashamed, sad, wants to cry and hide from collegues and friends and family, whereas the intelligent higherself does not give a damn at all.

Actually my higherself is like « I told you this was not your place. Good that you made your experience because that is what life is all about: experiencing. That is the whole purpose of coming to Earth and forcing your soul to make itself small enough to enter a human body. So experience everything you want. That is why we are here ».

And I know I should only be listening to the higherself because I know it is right. Who am I kidding? Not a day has passed since those last months that I have not complained about this job. By doing that, I actually sent pretty strong vibrations into the Universe, which obviously could explain the current situation. I hated every single part of it (except the pay though!).

So, I should be happy, right? Happy that I did take a chance on myself, I did get an extraordinary experience, and then I get to go on new adventures and just close this door that I was hating on lately.

But I can not, because once again, as a people pleaser, with a low self-appreciation, self-estime, self-love and self-respect, I am more worried about people’s opinions than my own. Too caught up in what people will surely say, think, observe, to be respectful of my own emotions and reality. Instead of celebrating my liberation, I find myself on the verge of crying and succumbing to depression about my old excecutioner because I know or assume people would want me too and they would find that more normal.

 

But you know what? For once in my life I will dare to love myself enough to say back off to everything and everyone and just choose to respect my own freedom and self-love. I was forced to say goodbye to this job but I realise it is only a blessing in disguise, an opportunity to start fresh somewhere else.

So I know as a people pleaser it is easier said than done, but it is possible to overcome it. I should know, because I am trying to get out of this character trait. So all I have to do is just trust that I learned something out of this experience and that I know better now. All I need to do is choose ME over all.

Because, only me has to live within the life that I create with the choices that I make. So if I have to live it alone why should anyone else but me choose what I will have to deal with? So as they say, unless you are ready to walk in my shoes since the begining of the book of my life, you should shut up.

As long as I accept the consequences of my actions and recognise that I am the only captain aboard, well I am the only one who gets to have an opinion, and my well-being is the top priority.

Every time you feel like you are giving into your old people pleaser manners, just stop for a minute. Take a deep breath.

Ask yourself who is going to be happy if you do what you are about to do. If the answer is anyone else but you (and it does not matter whether it is your parents, family, friends or companion), just don’t do it and walk away.