If I’m writing this, it must be because I am desperate, more desperate than I’ve ever been, or just more jaded and disillusioned than ever. Let’s be clear,  I AM NOT LOOKING FOR SYMPATHY. I am just trying to put words on my feelings because that is the best I can do for now, that’s the only thing I actually can do.

I am fed up, tired of my life, disillusioned since I was old enough to know the words. I am so done with my life that I actually often pray to catch a deadly disease because frankly that’s the only option I can think of. I have tried to comit suicide, but never fully went throuh with it, because someone always stopped me whithout even knowing what I was planning on doing. Since then, I have thought about it but never tried again  for just one only reason: there is no secure way of taking your life. I have thought about all of the ways.

Clearly I cannot put a bullet in my head on heart because first it must hurts like hell and I’m already too hurting both emotionnally and physically to put myself trough that, and secondly because I don’t have the money or the right to buy a gun so…dead end (no pun intended).

Jumping from a car or a train, or getting under a train or all of those horrible things are not for me either, so I will not waist time talking about it.

I cannot either jump from a high building. Does people still do that seriously though? That’s some stupid BS because you have much more chances of breaking your bones or become disabled than actually dying. Trying to escape your sufferings by dying and instead waking up with more problems that you had before? I’ll pass.

Overdose from pharmaceuticals or drugs? That’s a good one but the only problem is, if you mix the wrong things with the wrong dosing, well you’ll just end up more ill, or disabled, but you won’t die. So this one is not either the solution, except if you know the exact doses and the right products.

Problem is I am not a physician, neither a doctor nor a  pharmacist, so the only way I could do it right is if someone teaches me. And there is another problem! I don’t want to try and fail and having to add this failure to the very long list of mine. And I certainly don’t want to be disabled or sicker. Problem here is, if I want the perfect recipe that I can trust, well it has to be a recipe which efficiency  have been already demonstrated. Yet if someone had this knowledge he or she would be labelled a killer – which would probably be accurate- and therefore prone to jail time, so now you know why nobody would share that kind of information on the internet. And I cannot either turn to the person who tried it , because if it worked, he or she died and so cannot testify -as we all know dead people don’t talk- so.

Well I am just stuck with myself and my depression. And I just want to tell you Happy People that I am not looking for any sympathy anymore, but I just need you to understand that depression is NOT a choice, and I cannot just « snap out of it » or « suck it up » or « man up » or what ever you may think.

Do you honnestly think that any human being in his or her right mind would want to suffer as depressed people do? Why would I seek for this kind of life and struggle? No human on earth would want to live like that. As difficult as it is to understand, know that it is a disease where your mind is sick,  and as our mind is  E-VE-RY-THING for us, the rest of the body follows.  If the captain of a boat is sick and dying and he is the only captain on board, well the boat sinks, no matter how strong the people on it are, no matter how well-intentionned they are, and no matter how hard they try to keep it moving.

You cannot just stop being depressed, you go through phases and sometimes it lasts for days, or weeks, and then leave you for a while, but it never fully goes away. It’s always waiting on you in the corner to jump on you unexpected. And it happens to even the bests of us.

So stop telling me that I am overreacting, stop telling me that I am too much sensitive, stop telling me that some people around the world are a living a far more difficult life than me, stop telling me that I should be more gratefull for what I have, stop telling me that I should be thankfull that I don’t suffer from any really deadly disease, stop telling me to be stronger, stop starring at me as if I was crazy, stop ignoring my pain based on the reason that it doesn’t harm me physically, stop looking down on me as if I was a second-class human being,stop judging me, stop telling me that I am too self-centered and that I should stop felling sorry for myself for no reason, stop telling me that your life is more difficult than mine and that if you can make it I can, stop putting in my face all of those stupid slogans supposed to make me feel better or change my mind, stop telling me that the only thing keeping me from happyness is my absence of willingness, stop telling me how I should feel, just stop comparing yourself or anybody else to me, stop judging me.

Don’t you think I too want to be as happy as the rest of you? Don’t you think I want to feel good too? Don’t you think I too want to be on the top of the world living a fulfilling life?

Until you’ve walked in my shoes for 19 years you don’t get to judge me. Please be my guest, join the party and meet dear depression and live with it for at least one year, and then you can come back and give me your feedback.

But until then, if you cannot help me-which is the case- just let me dwell in my darkness in peace and look away or walk away as you don’t know how to deal with me. I will not be mad at you for doing nothing because trust me I don’t have that energy anymore. And I don’t blame you for not understanding me or not helping me because I understand that I am a lot and I bring a lot of baggage with me. Even though there are like 350 million of people around the world dealing with this issue, and there are countless of literature and scientific researches about the subject, if you still cannot educate yourself about it, or try to understand, it is okay.

Please just try to live me alone because that is all you can give me.