NOT ALL OF US ARE MADE HOUSEWIVES MATERIAL, and it is OKAY

I was thinking about an episode that happened when I was on vacation with my significant other (SO) and his familly when I realized that I really had trouble accepting myself as I am and letting people deal with it. We were about to eat, and I had already helped the woman cook, so I was famished and I started serving myself. Suddenly she grabbed my plate and proceeded to yell at me, saying how inappropriate it was for me to serve myself before the men (i.e. my SO and his familly member who was a man). She said that she’s been watching me do this for a while now, thinking it was a joke but that it was enough now, and that I should always arrange food for my SO before myself because he was a man.

Needless to tell you that my blood was boiling inside, but because I am non-confrontational introvert and was brought up in an African home, I was not about to start that argument in a traditional African home, so I shut up and kept my boiling blood down.  But I was so mad that I violently  broke a nail and it hurt like shit. After that, on a few other occasions she made the same old remark, because of course I did not change my ways. So it made me think : why does every woman around me but me seems to think this is okay ? Why can’t I agree with them ? I do think and hope that surely I am not alone in this. Of course I am unique (we all are), but not that unique.

So I started thinking back and realized that around me, past or present, African or Europeans, every woman in a heterosexual relationship, or with a son treats men like royalty without it being reciprocated. When I was younger, I used to think it was a cultural thing, but as I grew old, I am seeing that it has always been more of a woman thing. Women in majority of the world were always (and are still) considered weaker, therefore deserving of less respect than men. It is the very essence of sexism, male chauvinism and other male toxic behaviours. It is the essence of our patriarchal societies all over the world, the reason why majority of women worldwide had to wait for the 20th century to be able to vote. We do not have enough time to debate here on how chauvinistic our world is, because James Brown already summed it up for us in 1986 with his song « It’s A Man’s Man’s Man’s world » (great song by the way, and great interpretation by Seal in 2008).

First thing to admit is that this is not a cultural or societal issue, it’s a world’s one : it’s not only Africans, it’s also Europeans, Asians, Americans… I remember when I was 17yo in Uni, a friend of mine who was in my class with her boyfriend of the same age (18yo) was the one doing ALL the house chores in the appartement that they were sharing, because yes they were already living together. And both of them where white and French. I already knew that the older generation of white people were as traditional as my mother when it came to gender roles and the place of a woman in the household, but I never expected it from my generation, especially not from Europeans. Then, just yesterday on twitter, I read a whole thread on women younger than me (way too young if you ask me) talking about how they used to do the laundry or pack up the diry clothes of their ex-boyfriends for their mum to wash. I was shocked because again, that might have been a thing back in the 2000’s but I never expected it from the Gen Z or the social media kids in 2019 !! Was I naïve ? I do know that education and socialization play a pivotal role in our lives and that women are still not treated as equal as men in regards to education, employment and so much more. But I just thought that  parents were doing better in 2019, and I was wrong for thinking that because how could they ? If the society is still holding the same standards as it was 20 years ago, the people living in it can not change.

Second thing to realize is that this behaviour is perpetuated by older women : the mothers. I am not here to bash women and to put all the blame on them, because that would be very anti-feminist, but we have got to admit that education is unfortunately a responsability that is more imposed on women, as they spend more time with the kids, still. A study published by The Economist revealed that in 2012, mothers were spending on average 104min a day with the kids, whereas the fathers were spending 59 min. Fifty years ago it was 54min for the women versus 16min for the men !!! So yes, it has evolved a lot, and of course it varies depending on the parent’s careers, but overall, women still give more time with the children. So by allocating more time to us, mothers shape our vision of the world. And most of the time, they treat their boys different than their girls. Boys get to still come home with their dirty laundry at 25yo, hell even 40 for some, and she still does it for him. But they would shame their daughters for doing the same thing. « Boys will be boys » they say.

Third thing to do is recognize that it is not normal to treat men constantly like royalty or like we owe them our lives, when it is never reciprocated !! We are told to take care of them as if they were babies or toddler, but at the same time respect them as if they were our fathers. Does that make any sense ?? You are either a toddler who does not know how to serve his own food, or you are a grown man that deserve my respect. But for the grace of the Goddess, you can not be both !! It’s a scam ladies !! And I already hear the woman-caretaker police with the bullshit argument that « but it’s just a way to show your love ». No it is not, please do not show me love like this unless I am ill or amputated. As a grown person, I can serve my own food, pick up my own plate once in while and do my laundry and so much more. As a grow person that lives with another one, I understand that no one loves doing chores, and it is unjust to put all of it on one person’s shoulders. We live here together so we clean up together. The only reason that justifies one party doing more in the house is if that person does not work or work less hours. Otherwise IT MAKES ABSOLUTLY NO SENSE PEOPLE !

Fourth thing is to respect everyone’s choices. If you choose to be a submissive woman, that is your busines. So if I choose NOT to be one, that is also my business ? So let me be woman ! One thing is also crazy : most of the time, it’s other women who criticize you the most and give their unwanted opinions on the way you live your life. Men do have opinions on it to, trust me, they do not like women who do not cater to them, but most of them keep it to themselves if you’re not their woman.  We are not all « wife material/ housewife material/homekeeper-lover… ».

Last but most important thing is to accept that you are different and want different things, and that it is okay. I have never ever wanted to be in that position in a relationship and that is not going to change. I am not going to cater to a man like he is some god, or king (unless he does the exact same to me). I am never taking the habit of serving your food before mine (or serving your food point blank, because you’ve got arms and I’ve already done the cooking part), and I am never going to care for you as I would a child because one, you are not my child and two, you have a mother. And if that does not sit well with you, I am happy to walk away because I’d rather be alone than to live with a child who believes and act like he is the boss. I have to accept and respect that I can not do it. Only then can I make people respect it. And if they don’t, then I’ll just ignore them. It’s going to be hard, especially in my culture, but the goal is not to change other people’s mentality. The goal is for me to know who I am and respect myself. The fact that I am a highly empathetic person already pushes me to be the caretaker in relationships, so I’ll be damned if I let myself become someone’s housekeeper for free.

So I will never indulge a man’s chauvinistic beliefs like a lot of women do because I do not want to, and that is okay because that is who I am.